


When it's Gone

by nothing_but_a_tragedy



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-16
Updated: 2014-09-16
Packaged: 2018-02-17 16:42:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2316407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nothing_but_a_tragedy/pseuds/nothing_but_a_tragedy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The phrase "You never know what you have until it's gone" didn't really apply in this situation. Zayn knew what he could have. He just went after it too late.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When it's Gone

**Author's Note:**

> I know some people don't pay much attention to warnings, so I'm adding this here because it's important. THIS IS A DEATH FIC!!!!! Never did I think I would be writing something like this, but it was a request, so I hope you're happy, Tabitha ;)

            “So we have now seen the new Spider-man movie seven times,” Liam announced, sounding proud as he switched off the television and looked up at his friend’s face. Zayn, in turn, looked down at Liam, whose head was in his lap, and gave a slight smile.

            “Eight, actually,” he corrected.

            “Eight?” Liam asked, brow furrowing as he thought. “Oh, you’re right. It is eight! Think we can make it to twenty by next year?”

            “Definitely.”

            Liam smiled, the kind of smile that made his brown eyes crinkle up and make Zayn swear he emitted actual sunshine, but it faded quickly-too quickly-and then he sighed and sat up, scooting away from Zayn a bit before running a hand through his buzzed hair.

            “I guess I should go,” he said reluctantly.

            “You can stay until she gets here,” Zayn offered, though he knew he was going to get rejected before he’d even asked.

            “No, that’s okay. Your hair is a bit of a disaster. You probably want to fix that before…she…gets here.”

            “Excuse you, my hair is always perfect,” Zayn said with mock insult in his voice. Liam smiled, but this time it didn’t meet his eyes, and Zayn’s own smile slipped from his face. “Li…”

            “No, don’t say anything,” Liam said, standing up and stretching a bit before slipping on his shoes. “I’ll see you soon, okay?”

            Zayn hated this. He hated that his best friend in the whole world, who should be happy that Zayn found someone he wanted to settle down with, was so hurt by the relationship that he couldn’t bear to see the woman he was engaged to, or even say her name. Zayn couldn’t blame him though, because if their roles had been reversed, he’d feel the exact same way, and he felt like a terrible person. Liam deserved to be happy, but the only way he could do that was if Zayn ended his engagement and decided to spend his life with him instead, or if he cut off all ties with the younger guy, letting him realize that there was absolutely no hope and move on. But Zayn couldn’t do either; for one, because of the band, but also because he was a horrible, selfish person.

            “You know I love you,” he said softly, reaching for Liam, who let Zayn’s touch linger for a moment before jerking back.

            “Don’t say that to me,” he said, closing his eyes for a second like the words actually, physically, hurt.

            “But I do.”

            “Not like I love you.”

            Zayn sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose before speaking.

            “You know I do.”

            “You wouldn’t be with _her_ if you really loved me, Zayn! You would be with me!”

            “It’s not that easy, Liam.”

            “How isn’t it?! If you’re as happy as you say you are with me…if you love me as much as you say you do…then you wouldn’t be with someone who I’ve never even seen you smile around.”

            “It’s not that simple, Liam, because it could literally destroy us! We’d have to hide because if it got out, our careers could be over. My friends would hate me…my family…”

            “If they’re real friends, they’ll accept you for who you are and your family is your family. Maybe it would come as a shock to them, and it may take some time, but they love you.”

            “My family isn’t like yours, babes,” Zayn said. “Their expectations are different. I’m supposed to get married. I’m supposed to pass on the family name.”

            “You can do that whether you’re with a guy or girl, Zayn. Okay, maybe you can’t have babies the conventional way, but it’s still possible.”

            “Liam,” Zayn sighed, throwing himself against the back of his couch and closing his eyes. He hated having this conversation with the guy. They’d had it several times already, in various ways, and it always did more harm than good.

            “What?” Liam asked, and it took Zayn a moment to realize he’d said the other guy’s name out loud. And yeah, _what_ was a good question.

            “It…it’s just not worth it,” Zayn said because it was the first thing his mind could come up with, but he immediately regretted it at the sharp intake of breath that came from the man standing above him.

            “Right. Okay then.”

            “I didn’t mean it like that.”

            “I don’t really see how else you could have meant it. But forget it. I’m sorry I brought it up. Have fun tonight.”

            “Liam-” Zayn tried, but the sound of a door shutting told him it was too late. Sighing again, Zayn stood and went to the bathroom to splash cold water on his face and make sure his hair did look alright before his fiancée got there.

            He’d just exited the room when he heard a knock on his door.

            “Hey!” the woman standing outside the door greeted with a cheery smile, bouncing up on her tiptoes to place a sticky lip-gloss kiss on Zayn’s cheek.

            “Hey, Pez,” Zayn said with his best attempt at a smile. He knew he failed miserably, but, as usual, Perrie was oblivious.

            “What do you have planned for us today, sweetums?” she asked, flittering into the room without a care in the world. Zayn nearly cringed. _Sweetums_. He hated that nickname.

            “Um…I don’t really know,” he admitted, and Perrie rolled her eyes, but her smile didn’t falter.

            “Alright, how about we grab some dinner and just do some window shopping, get some ideas for our flat when we move in!”

            “Yeah, okay,” Zayn agreed, more out of obligation than anything, but his fiancée seemed excited anyway, and Zayn tried to be happy. He’d wanted to marry her, live with her, have babies with her…

            Had. Past tense. And Zayn felt like a horrible person for that too because it wasn’t like Perrie had actually done something to make him feel any differently. She really was wonderful; pretty, fun, nice, loving…Okay, so maybe she was a little too oblivious to her fiancé’s feelings because Zayn wasn’t the best actor. He couldn’t pretend to be happy when he wasn’t, and he hadn’t been truly happy in a while, not unless he was with Liam. But she was still pretty perfect. Besides, she was just naturally a bubbly person, always too busy focusing on the positive to notice the negativity.

            That was how, when she finally noticed something was wrong, Zayn knew he must have been acting pretty pathetic.

            “Hey,” the woman said softly, bumping her hip gently into his. “What’s going on?”

            “Huh?” Zayn blinked, peeling his eyes away from whatever they had focused on in the (fifth?) shop window they’d stopped at.

            “What’s wrong?” she asked. “You seem distant.”

            “Oh. It’s just….I’m not…I’m not feeling the best.”

            “Aww,” she cooed, voice rising in pitch as she pulled Zayn closer to her. “Why didn’t you say anything, baby?”

            “We had plans,” Zayn said with a shrug. “Besides, it’s nothing.”

            “It’s not nothing. Come on, let’s go back to your place. We can just watch some movies or something. Or you can sleep. I don’t care. I just want you to feel better.”

            Zayn didn’t mention that the sick feeling he had in his stomach wasn’t going to go away until he could talk to Liam again and apologize. He wouldn’t feel better until they were okay again, or could at least pretend, like they had been doing ever since Zayn proposed to the girl standing beside him. Instead, he just nodded, letting Perrie hail a taxi and ride back to his place with her head on his shoulder.

 

            Zayn didn’t hear from Liam the next day, which was partly his fault. He picked up his phone numerous times, ready to text or call the other man, but he always chickened out. He messed up big time and he felt that a face-to-face apology would be best. Liam needed to see it in his eyes how truly sorry he was, not only for the words he’d said, but for everything.

            He got his opportunity the day after. All of the boys had a business meeting-one that was short and pointless, as usual-and Liam tried to bolt as soon as it was over, but Zayn grabbed onto his sleeve.

            “Can we talk?” he asked. “Not here, but…do you want to come over?”

            Liam’s eyes flickered across Zayn’s face, emotions unreadable on his own.

            “I’ll drop you off at your flat,” Liam replied, and Zayn nodded. It wasn’t exactly the reaction he’d wanted, but he hoped he could change his mind-get Liam to come in, maybe even stay the night-after they’d talked.

            The ride there was silent and Zayn wanted to scream. There shouldn’t be this tension with Liam, his Liam. Liam was the guy he could talk to about anything, the guy who would always make him laugh when he sensed something was wrong. This…this nothingness should be illegal.

            “Okay.” Liam was finally forced to speak when he’d parked by Zayn’s place. “What did you want to talk about?”

            “I’m sorry,” Zayn said, eyes filling up with infuriating tears almost immediately. Zayn wasn’t one to let people see him cry, but this was all getting to be too much. He wasn’t ready to handle everything being with Liam would throw at him, but he couldn’t handle not having him around either. “I’m really sorry…for everything. I wish I could just make you understand that this is so hard for me, Liam, all of it, and it has nothing to do with you. It’s all me. You’re my best friend and the last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you, but I have, and I know that. I want to make things better. I want so much…”

            “I know,” Liam said when Zayn trailed off, and his eyes were softer now, his face less stoic. “I understand, Zayn, I really do. You’re my best friend too, and I wish I had never made things weird.”

            “You didn’t. I told you, this is all me.”

            “I just want you happy, Z, and I think…I thought I could do that for you, but I can’t, and I’m sorry.”

            “You _do_ make me happy, Liam!” Zayn exclaimed in exasperation, slapping away a tear that refused to stay inside.

            “Don’t cry,” Liam begged, taking Zayn’s hand. Zayn warmed to the touch instantly and thought-just briefly-that maybe he could have this forever. Maybe things wouldn’t be so bad this way…

            “I think you should take a few days to yourself,” Liam spoke again. “Think about this. Think about everything. And when you decide what you want…what _you_ want, not me, or Perrie, or your family, or society or anybody else-we’ll be here for you. Every one of us.”

            Zayn nodded and Liam pulled him into a hug (a big of an awkward one since they were in a car, but Zayn melted into it anyway.)

            “See you soon,” Liam said with a smile at his friend, who nodded.

            “Real soon,” he agreed, and Liam’s smile got a little bigger. Zayn returned it the best he could before climbing out of the car and walking up his front walkway. As usual, Liam waited to see if Zayn got in okay before driving off.

            Zayn spent the next few days keeping contact with anyone at a minimum. He had a lot of thinking to do, and he didn’t want any outside influence because Liam was right. It was his life and he had to do what would be best for him.

            The thing was, there was no doubt in his mind what that actually was. He wanted Liam. One day, he knew life as a member of One Direction would come to an end, and if he continued on the path he was on now, he would be a full-time husband. To Perrie. There would be no reason to see the boys so often, and he just knew that over time his contact with Liam would fade, perhaps even becoming non-existent, and Zayn couldn’t handle that. A life without Liam was unimaginable. So, yes, Zayn knew what he had to do, but it still wasn’t easy. Breaking Perrie’s heart wasn’t easy. He was quite literally risking everything, as he’d pointed out. But he had been wrong about one thing. It _was_ worth it.

            _Meet me for lunch tomorrow?_ Zayn shot a quick text to Liam nearly a week after their little talk.

            _Can’t_ , Liam replied. _I’m going surfing with Louis._

            Zayn frowned, trying not to feel too disappointed, but before he could think of something to say back, he received a second text from the guy he loved.

            _How about a late dinner instead?_

            _Perfect_ , Zayn sent back, big smile on his face. Liam sent back a simple smiley emoji, and Zayn locked his phone, setting it on his chest and staring up at the ceiling, a million feelings swirling about in his head. He knew what he had to do now, of course. It was time to break the news to his fiancée. But, for just a few moments, he decided he could just lie there and let the happiness wash over him.

 

            He told her that night. She’d cried, of course. He’d even cried. But she was better about it than Zayn could have ever imagined and even told him that she hoped he could finally be happy. So maybe she hadn’t been as oblivious as Zayn had thought.

            He still felt bad when he woke up the next morning, but he was also excited; excited and nervous. Like, really nervous. And that nervousness soon turned to outright fear. What was he doing? Yes, he loved Liam and Liam loved him, but would it be enough? Love didn’t guarantee a lasting relationship and Zayn didn’t want to throw away everything for something temporary, no matter how good it was for that amount of time.

            _Now_ he needed some advice, needed to stop his mind from going back and forth and giving him virtual whiplash, and so he decided to ask one of the two only people who may know somewhat how he was feeling.

            “Good morning!” Harry greeted over the phone once Zayn had finally gotten to his contact information with his shaking fingers.

            “Hey. Are you busy today?”

            “Not at all. What’s up?”

            “I…I need to talk. Can I come over? Please?”

            “Of course. Come over whenever you want.”

            Zayn left right after they got off the phone.

            Harry greeted him at the door with a hug and then let him in.

            “What’s wrong?” he asked as he closed the front door and Zayn took a deep breath.

            “I broke up with Perrie last night.”

            Harry’s eyes widened in shock.

            “I’ll get the gin.”

“No, that’s okay. I mean…I’m fine. Mostly.”

Harry stared, waiting for him to continue, and Zayn chewed his lip for a moment before asking, “Can we sit down?”

            The younger boy nodded, leading Zayn to the living room and plopping himself down on the couch, close enough to the other for support but far enough that he wasn’t invading his personal space.

            “So what happened?” Harry prodded when Zayn was quiet for almost a solid minute.

            “Well…she’s great, you know? But…I’m actually in love with someone else.”

            Again, the other man’s eyes widened as he mouthed a silent _oh_.

            “Do we happen to know this someone else?” he asked in a way that sounded as if he already knew the answer. Zayn nodded anyway.

            “It’s Liam.”

            Harry nodded then, turning his words over in his mind carefully before he dared to speak.

            “You know he loves you too, right?”

            “I know. But…it’s complicated.”

            “How so?”

            “How so?!” Zayn repeated, looking at Harry as if he’d lost his mind. “What do you mean ‘how so’? You and Louis should know better than anyone why this isn’t easy!”

            “Well, no, it’s not easy,” Harry admitted. “But are you going to let a love like this pass you by just because it’s not easy?”

            Maybe this was a bad idea, Zayn thought at that moment. Harry was a hopeless romantic, and Zayn admired that about him (even envied it a little bit) but Zayn was a realist. Besides, Harry and Louis had been dealing with this from the very beginning. It was just everyday life to them now. For Liam and Zayn, it would all be new; the closeting, the bearding, having to decide who they should and could trust, being conscious of their every word and move. Zayn wondered if Liam had really even thought about all that.

            “I know where you’re coming from,” Harry continued, and Zayn gave him a look because he sincerely doubted it. “No, I do. It’s awful having to pretend to be someone you’re not. It hurts knowing that if you let your true self show, some of the people who claimed to love you would suddenly despise you, and it’s even worse knowing that the person you love more than anything feels the same way, and probably nothing will break your heart more than when you’re in public and you know he’s hurting, but there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it.”

            “Yeah, this isn’t really helping,” Zayn croaked, sick feeling growing.

            “But,” Harry went on. “You love him and he loves you and at the end of those long, hard days, you’d have him all to yourself, and that is the _best_ feeling in the world. Love is an amazing thing when it’s true, Zayn, and not everyone finds that, so if you have, don’t let it go because it will be tough at times. What would be worse? Pretending you’re not in love for a few hours of the day so that you can be with him, or pretending you’re not in love all the time because it hurts less than admitting that you are and that you don’t have him?”

            It took a few moments for Harry’s words to really sink in, but once they did, a smile spread across Zayn’s face and a little bit of the heavy weight that felt physically attached to him lifted. Harry smiled too, noticing the changes.

            “Great! Is that settled then?”

            Zayn nodded. “I’m supposed to be meeting him for dinner tonight and I was going to tell him everything then, but I was…kind of freaking out, so thank you.”

            “You’re welcome.”

            It was quiet again for a few seconds and then Harry let out a high-pitched squeak.

            “You’re going to make him so happy!” he exclaimed, bouncing across the couch to give Zayn a tight hug.

            “I hope so.”

            “You will. Any ideas where you’re taking him?”

            “No, not really,” Zayn admitted with a frown.

            “It’s okay,” Harry said reassuringly. “You have time.”

            “Any suggestions?”

            The curly haired guy beamed, hinting that he had many suggestions, but then his phone went off.

            “Hold on,” he said, reaching into his pocket with a sigh, but his face lip up again when he saw the caller ID. “Hey, baby.”

            Zayn looked away then, not wanting to eavesdrop on Louis and Harry’s conversation (for his own sake, mostly), but his attention was quickly brought back when Harry spoke again, voice full of worry.

            “Lou, calm down. I can’t understand you.”

            A different-worse-kind of sickness forming in his gut, Zayn moved his gaze back to Harry’s face. He was frowning, forehead creased, his own eyes seeming to avoid Zayn.

            “Are you okay?” he asked into the phone after what seemed like hours but in reality was probably less than a minute. Louis’ voice became louder then, and Zayn couldn’t understand what he was saying, but he could hear the absolute fear in his voice, pitch an octave higher than normal. “Okay, okay,” Harry said, clearly trying to sound soothing as he stood and headed to the closet where Zayn knew the couple kept their shoes. “Where are you?...I’ll be there soon, okay?...I know, baby. I’ll see you in a few minutes. I love you.”

            “What happened?” Zayn asked, heart beating uncomfortably hard in his chest.

            “There was an accident.”

            “Accident?”

            Harry nodded solemnly, making his way to the dish his car keys were in.

            “Is Louis okay?”

            “Louis’ okay, I think…”

            “Liam?”

            Harry’s face paled and Zayn felt light-headed.

            “Are you coming?” Harry asked. “If so, I can explain in the car.”

            Zayn nodded, voice unworkable at the moment. He expected his legs to be immobile too, but somehow they carried him to Harry’s car.

            “I don’t know everything yet,” Harry said as he backed out of the garage. “Louis was frantic, and I didn’t really care about specifics anyway. All I know is that they both got knocked off their boards by a huge wave and when Louis surfaced, he’d lost Liam. When he found him, he was still underwater, and he was unconscious.”

            Zayn’s body felt numb. He couldn’t count how many times he’d been laughed at for his refusal to get in the water, but it was a truly cruel, ruthless element.

            “How is he?” he finally asked, not even realizing he’d said it out loud until he received an answer.

            “I don’t know.”

 

            The ride to the hospital took too long but at the same time, went too fast. Zayn wanted to get to Liam, but also wasn’t sure he was ready to face what was inside.

            “Zayn?” Harry asked. When he’d actually parked, shut off the car and got out, Zayn couldn’t recall, but the younger guy was staring in, worry etched on his face. Zayn quickly unbuckled his seatbelt and climbed out, following the other guy inside. The air inside the hospital was cool, but Zayn felt like he was suffocating.

            Louis must have told Harry exactly where to find him because they didn’t even stop at the front desk; just got in the elevator and went on up, making a right once they’d reached their desired floor. Almost immediately, Zayn saw a figure that he assumed to be his band mate, though he couldn’t quite be sure because the person was covered from head to toe by a bland cream blanket, sitting on the floor by a wall, but hunched over on himself. Harry’s mind must have been on the same track as Zayn’s because his pace picked up as he made his way over to the blanketed person.

            “Lou?” he asked gently, sinking to his knees in front of the pile, and immediately, a head poked out from an opening in the material. In the next instant, Louis had thrown himself onto his boyfriend, a loud, strangled cry coming from his throat as Harry held him tightly. “You’re so cold…,” the youngest band member commented, but Louis just continued to cry, unabashedly and unembarrassed. Zayn felt the color drain from his own face and leaned against the wall to keep from fainting. This wasn’t Louis. Zayn had seen Louis upset before-you couldn’t be in a band with four other guys for four years and go on multiple tours without seeing all sides of them-but this went past ‘upset.’ Devastated…broken, that’s what this Louis was, and he was honestly the last one out of all of them that Zayn expected to see like this.

            “I need to see Liam,” Zayn finally said softly and Harry glanced over as Louis’ body visibly tensed in his arms. “Where is he?” Zayn continued.

            “You can’t see him, Zayn,” Louis said, still not letting go of the guy he was clinging to like a lifeline.

            “I’m going to see him!” Zayn insisted, resisting the urge to spin his friend around and shake him. “Where is he?”

            Finally, the older boy let go of the youngest and he turned to Zayn, eyes red and puffy. “You can’t…”

            “DAMN IT, LOUIS!” Zayn yelled, pushing himself away from the wall and giving it a nice smack too. He was aware that security was about to come over and tell him off, but he didn’t care. At the rise in Zayn’s voice, a fresh stream poured down Louis’ face and he fell sideways into Harry, who wrapped his arms tightly around him and kissed the top of his head as even louder sobs came from his boy. Zayn supposed he would feel bad about this later, but he was too angry right now. “Tell me where Liam is!”

            “He said you can’t see him, Zayn,” Harry said, not making eye contact.

            “What does that mean?!” Zayn demanded.

            “I think you know.”

 

            The rest of that afternoon passed in a blur, despite the fact that it dragged on. Harry eventually got Louis to change out of his wetsuit and take the anxiety pills the doctor had been offering to him at an annoying rate. Niall eventually showed up, as well as Louis’ mom.

            “Liam’s parents should be here soon,” Niall murmured much later, when Louis had fallen asleep on his mother and Harry finally let the tears he’d kept back for his boy fall. And, well, that was it for Zayn. There was no way he was going to wait around for Geoff and Karen Payne to arrive and he wasn’t going to watch it play out like a movie, with her breaking down and him holding her and trying to assure her that this would be okay when her youngest child and only son was gone. If it was true, that was, which Zayn still wasn’t so sure of.

            “I’m going home,” he announced to the group, standing up and walking away without a glance at any of them. None of them said anything, but he felt eyes on him as he walked away. He wanted to turn around, ask what they were all staring at, but he didn’t.

            He was at the elevator, which seemed to be taking its grand old time reaching their floor, when he heard an Irish accent come from behind him.

            “Can I come with you?”

            “I’m fine, Niall,” Zayn said, voice flat, still refusing to turn around and make eye contact.

            “Okay,” the other guy replied. “But I’m not.”

            Zayn bit his lip, squeezing his eyes shut for just a moment. He didn’t want to hear that. He didn’t want to hear that Niall wasn’t okay because there would have to be a reason for that and, no. This wasn’t happening. This couldn’t be happening.

            The elevator finally dinged, the doors sliding open and allowing Zayn’s entrance.

            “You coming?” he asked Niall, who was staring, unsure, having not received a reply. He nodded then, stepping in quickly even though Zayn was holding the doors open for him.

            The younger band member had driven himself, so he took the both of them back to Zayn’s house. Once inside, they wordlessly sat on the couch, not making a noise for a good, long time.

            “I’m going to take a nap,” Zayn announced finally. “Help yourself to whatever.”

            “Okay.”

            Zayn wasn’t actually planning on going to sleep, but he lay on his bed, pulling out his cell and finding Liam in his contacts.

            _Where do you want to go tonight?_ He sent. He waited almost five minutes before sending something else. _I was thinking Galvin La Chappelle. That okay with you?_

Only two minutes passed before his third attempt, angrily fighting back the tears that were threatening to spill.

            _See you at 7?_

            Zayn let ten whole minutes pass that time, eyes squeezed shut, praying to whatever God may be listening that his phone would vibrate on his stomach. When he checked again, he still hadn’t received a reply.

            _LIAM?!?!?!?!?!??!!?_ He frantically typed out, tears finally falling. He stared at his phone until it went black, unlocked it and then stared until it went black again.

            “NO!” he screamed to no one in particular, throwing his phone down on his bed and knocking over his nightstand. His alarm clock and lamp both went crashing to the ground, the bulb in the lamp busting and the clock becoming unplugged. Still, that wasn’t enough destruction for Zayn. He took the picture off the wall above his dresser and smashed it before knocking over the dresser as well. He was just about to knock over the TV when his door burst open and Niall ran in, alarm on his freshly tear-stricken face.

            “Leave me alone!” Zayn said, voice a lot harsher than was necessary.

            “No,” Niall said softly, but it was enough to still Zayn.

            “It’s a lie, right?!” Zayn demanded. “It’s some sick joke?!”

            Niall shook his head, biting his lip as he looked at Zayn in something less than fear but more than worry, and Zayn punched the wall, not hard enough to seriously hurt his hand, but enough to sting.

            “Zayn…”

            “What?!”

            “…I don’t know.”

            The boys were quiet, only the sound of the hiccupped sobs that Niall tried and failed to silence cutting through the air. Zayn, however, had stopped crying already. He’d gone from feeling nothing to anger and then despair and was now numb again. He didn’t know if that as a good thing or not, but he didn’t care.

            “My room is a mess,” he commented, looking through the darkness at the destruction he’d caused.

            “Is your lamp broken?” Niall asked.

            “Just the bulb, I think.”

            “Where do you keep the extras?”

            Zayn got one and changed the bulb, almost wishing he hadn’t once the light was spread on the chaos of the room. Zayn knew it was bad, but not _this bad._

            “Shit,” he sighed.

            “It’s okay,” Niall said, climbing across Zayn’s bed to get around the clothes lying across the floor and setting the nightstand up right for him. Zayn set the lamp down and Niall picked up and reset the clock before the boys lifted the dresser and began organizing the clothes after all of the glass was picked up. And Zayn was fine. He even hummed a bit as he began folding his T-shirts. But then he picked up one shirt in particular and froze. Niall was oblivious for a moment, busying himself with finding pairs to the socks that had come apart in the tornado, but then he glanced over, breath catching in his throat.

            “Zayn…”

            “This isn’t mine,” Zayn announced uselessly.

            “Just…here. I’ll take it.”

            “It’s _his_ , damn it!” Zayn nearly shrieked, tears falling harder and faster than ever as he balled up the Marvel shirt and threw it off to the side. He sunk to the ground then, pulling his knees up to his chin as he cried, letting the grief wash over him fully. Niall dropped what he was holding and crawled over, pulling Zayn against him like he was an upset child, and Zayn didn’t fight it.

            Neither knew exactly how long they sat there, crying into each other, but it felt like forever. Finally, Zayn pulled away gently.

            “There’s more stuff,” he said, rising to his feet.

            “What?” Niall asked, wiping his eyes. Zayn didn’t verbally reply. Instead, he went to his closet and grabbed a backpack. He put Liam’s T-shirt in there first and then the hoodie he still had hanging in his closet. Next, he went to the hall bathroom and packed away the toothbrush Liam kept at his place for the nights he stayed over. He had a beach towel in there too for when he would swim around in Zayn’s pool while the other laid out and admired his abs, and it really shouldn’t have fit in the small backpack, but somehow, Zayn managed it. The last thing he had to do away with was that stupid orange cup in his kitchen; the one Liam insisted on drinking out of whenever he was over because it was “cool.”

            “What are you doing with that stuff?” Niall asked, eyeing the bag nervously.

            “Throwing it out,” Zayn replied. “You know, seeing as how he won’t need it anymore since he just decided to up and leave.”

            “Z, you know that’s not what happened.”

            “Really, Niall? Because it sure seems that way to me.”

            “You’re angry. It’s part of the grief process…”

            “Don’t give me that psychology bullshit! I’m angry because he left me! He left us! And he left before I could even tell him how I actually feel about him!”

            Niall’s eyes widened, but he composed himself quickly.

            “I’ll take the stuff,” he offered instead.

            “I don’t ever want to see it again.”

            “You don’t have to.”

            After a brief hesitation, Zayn nodded, tossing the bag to the other guy, who caught it expertly.

            “I’m taking it to my car,” he explained. “I’ll be back in a minute.”

            In the time it took him to run to the car and back, it had hit Zayn what he’d been about to do, and when Niall came back into the house, there was Zayn, lying right on the kitchen floor in the fetal position. It was going to be a long night.

            Eventually, Niall got Zayn into bed and somehow, he fell asleep. He woke early the next morning, though, and for one hopeful moment thought that it may have all been a terrible nightmare. But the three missed calls from his mom and two of his sisters suggested otherwise.

            _Call you later_ , Zayn texted each of them because he really didn’t have the energy to deal with that right now. After using the bathroom, he poked his head in the guest room. Niall wasn’t in there and Zayn wondered if he left, but then found him sitting on the couch in the living room.

            “‘Moring,” he greeted, voice hoarse and eyes rimmed red again as he quickly flipped off the TV. Zayn gave him a suspicious look and went to grab the remote from him, but Niall jerked it away. “You don’t want to do that,” he said. “It’s everywhere.”

            “I hate everything,” Zayn announced.

            “Yeah,” Niall sighed. “Me too.”

            The two tried to laze around all day, but knew they couldn’t. Eventually, they got hungry and Zayn realized it had been almost twenty-four hours since he’d eaten anything. He couldn’t even imagine what that must be like for Niall.

            Going out was really the last thing they wanted to do, but neither of them felt like making anything either. Just when they were prepping themselves to pour a simple bowl of cereal, Harry sent a text.

            _Mum brought food. Enough for everybody. Come over if you want._

            They only debated a minute before heading over. Zayn really wanted to never leave the house again, but he knew he had to eventually and he might as well start with his ~~four~~ three best friends.

            “The food is in the kitchen,” he announced. “There’s…like…everything. Soup, spaghetti, roasts…”

            They got what they wanted and silently sat to eat.

            “Where’s Lou?” Niall asked after a few minutes.

            “Upstairs sleeping. Those pills the doctor gave him really knock him out.”

            Niall looked sympathetic, but anger suddenly coursed through Zayn. Louis got to be upstairs sleeping peacefully while Liam was….Liam was…

            “Where was he then?” Zayn demanded, ant the two others looked at him, brows raised.

            “What do you mean?” Harry asked.

            “Where was he while Liam was underwater drowning?! Why didn’t he save him?!”

            “Zayn…,” Niall warned, eyeing his two friends worriedly as Harry’s nostrils started to flare.

            “No, seriously,” Zayn continued, well aware that he shouldn’t. “I think this whole thing was entirely preventable. How fucking hard is it to find a guy attached to a big surfboard?! How fucking hard is it to get his head above water so he doesn’t fucking _die_?!”

            Before either of the others at the table could say anything, the sound of someone running away from the entryway made their heads snap up.

            “Louis?” Harry called, but the footsteps had already reached the stairs. “Shit,” the youngest band member sighed, getting up and quickly following after his boyfriend with a quick glare at Zayn.

            “You can’t just say things like that, mate,” Niall muttered, putting down his fork and laying his forehead against the cool table. Zayn stayed quiet because he knew. Deep down, he knew it wasn’t Louis’ fault. He just needed someone to blame, and he couldn’t blame Liam anymore. Thinking that he would do something like that hurt way too much. Besides, he had just been blowing off steam. He hadn’t meant for Louis to hear; hadn’t _wanted_ him to hear. And now, on top of every other emotion that was piling up and making him crazy, he had a mountain of guilt too.

            After a few minutes during which Zayn and Niall didn’t move, seeming to barely even breathe, Harry returned, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed.

            “He wants to talk to you,” he said to Zayn, looking like he personally thought it was a terrible idea.

            “Me?” Zayn repeated because, what? Why would Louis ever want to talk to him again?

            “Yes.”

            So Zayn stood and walked on weak legs to the stairs. He expected Harry to trip him or something on his way past him, but he didn’t. He did, however, grab his arm and turn him around, serious look on his face.

            “He risked his life, you know.”

            “Hm?”

            “The waves had them both underwater for an impossibly long time, but when he finally surfaced, he wouldn’t give up until he found Liam. He went under two more times trying to save him, Zayn, and it’s not his fault that he physically couldn’t get to him until it was too late.”

            Zayn nodded, swallowing hard before continuing to walk on weak legs to the couples’ staircase.

            “Louis?” he called when he got to the top.

            “In here,” Louis said from the far bedroom, and Zayn entered. His band mate was sitting up in bed, knees to his chin, wrapped in a hoodie that was far too big on him, eyes wide and sad; devastated, actually.

            “Lou, I’m sor-”

            “Do you hate me?”

            “No.”

            Zayn sat on the bed, resisting the urge to reach for the other’s hand or something that would probably get him slapped. “I could never hate you.”

            “But it’s my fault.”

            “It’s not. What I said…I’m just angry, Lou, but not at you. I don’t know what I’m mad at, to be honest, and so you were an easy target, but I’m really, really sorry.”

            Louis nodded, fresh tears falling from his eyes, and Zayn took his chances and pulled him close. Louis didn’t resist, wrapping himself around Zayn’s body like a koala, and Zayn’s tears started falling again as well.

 

            The rest of that day and the next passed impossibly slow. Zayn did eventually call his family back, though their tears made everything worse, and then he helped the guys gather pictures of the five of them for the funeral.

 

            The casket was closed, which Zayn couldn’t decide if he was happy about or not. He didn’t want to see Liam so still and…un-Liam, but he was having trouble wrapping his head around the fact that he wasn’t ever going to see him again. He spent the whole service staring at the casket, silently begging Liam to jump out and tell them all that they’d been Punk’d, but of course he didn’t.

            Liam’s mother couldn’t bring herself to speak, but both of his sisters did, and all of the boys. Zayn almost declined, but went at the very last second. He knew he should be nervous with what he was about to say, but he wasn’t. It should have been said earlier and under much better circumstances, but he couldn’t go back. He just had to say it.

            “Three days ago, I was planning on telling the love of my life that I was done pretending to be something I’m not,” he started, and took a second to glance over at his family. His younger sisters looked a little confused, looking around for answers, but the rest seemed to know where he was going right away. His older sister and mom were crying and his dad’s jaw was set tight, but his face was soft. Or, as soft as he could expect it to be.

            “But,” he continued, deciding then to look at Harry, who gave him a nod. “Instead, I was helping to plan a funeral for that very man. I know I’m only twenty-one and that I haven’t really had much to complain about, but this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. It’s the hardest thing I’m going to ever have to do.”

            Zayn paused a moment, having to take a breath and blink away tears before he continued.

            “I know this may not be the time or place to say these things, but I never got to tell him, and I’m just so tired of hiding. He was tired of hiding because we wanted to be together. We should have been together, and I’m sorry I didn’t realize that until too late. But to his family, you should know that your son…your grandson…your nephew…your brother…he was so loved, and if I could switch places with him, I would.”

            Zayn’s mother let out a soft, strangled cry at that and his older sister put what should have been a comforting arm around her shoulder, though Zayn knew there was not much comfort to be found anywhere at the moment.

            “So…that’s it, I guess,” he finished lamely, and started to awkwardly walk back to his seat, but Liam’s mom grabbed onto his arm gently and that was where he spent the rest of the service.

            The hardest part of it all was leaving the cemetery. Or, it should have been, but suddenly, Zayn just need to get away from it all. He wanted life to go back to go back to normal, or at least as normal as it could ever be again.

            Before leaving, he went to hug Karen, but she was surrounded, so he started following his family away to say goodbye to them. Karen ended up making her way to him first, though, giving him the most sincere hug he’d received since all of this happened.

            “Thank you,” she said, and Zayn had no idea what she was thanking him for, but he nodded anyway.

 

            He rode back to his place with Niall, though the younger man was only dropping him off. Solitude was what they both really needed right now. As it was, not a word was said until they were parked in front of Zayn’s place.

            “Hey, what did you do with that backpack?” Zayn asked, one leg out of the open door.

            “It’s still in me trunk.”

            “Can I…do you mind if I take the hoodie back? Just the hoodie.”

            “Of course not, mate,” Niall said, popping the trunk. Zayn nodded his thanks and after retrieving the object of his desire, shut the trunk and waved to his friend.

            He didn’t take the hoodie off for three days. He didn’t answer his phone for three days except to let people know he was surviving. But then, slowly, things started to get better. Not that he was okay, of course. His heart was still in a million pieces and he still cried himself to sleep most nights, but things started to feel normal once he learned to avoid the gaping hole in his chest.

            And then the next tour started.

            Liam’s solos had been passed around the group, Zayn refusing most of them for fear that he would ruin them. Hearing someone else singing those parts wasn’t even the hardest part, though. The hardest part was being on the tour bus with only three other sleeping guys, none of which would sneak into his bunk to “get warm.” The second hardest thing was having nowhere to go when he was bored and lonely in the hotel room. The next hardest thing was everything else. It was weird looking around the stage and not seeing a buzz cut bopping around anywhere. Seeing and hearing their band name felt wrong because One Direction had five guys in it, not four, and the boys refused to say it, instead simply introducing themselves using their names. Looking into the audience and seeing a slew of sad tears on top of happy ones was foreign, and they stopped looking out as much because it just _hurt_.

            But time went on.

 

            _“Where do you think we’ll be in a year?”_

_It was late night-early morning, really-and Zayn and Liam were on the balcony of Liam’s hotel room, Liam on Zayn’s lap, despite the fact that there were two chairs set up._

_“Hm…,” Zayn mused, giving the back of the younger boy’s neck a kiss. “I don’t know where we’ll be, exactly, but I think we’ll be just like this.”_

_“But…but you’ll be married…”_

_“You’ll always be my number one though.”_

_Liam giggled as Zayn poked at his abs, his most sensitive tickle spot._

_“I’ll remember you said that when you’re ignoring me to watch game shows and join bowling leagues and other husband things.”_

_“I’d never ignore you, Li. I’ll be here as long as you are.”_

_Liam let out a content sigh then, leaning back against Zayn and Zayn wrapped an arm around the other’s waist._

_“Of course I’ll be here, you donut,” Liam said, but his voice was soft and loving. “Always.”_

           

            “Hey, babes.”

            Zayn sat on the cool ground, shivering slightly.

            “Sorry I didn’t visit sooner, but I hope you know that you haven’t left my mind once. Or my heart. You know, they say that it gets better with time, but it doesn’t. You just learn how to live anyway.”

            A beat of silence passed and it wasn’t like Zayn was actually expecting an answer, but the quiet was still painful and he took in a shaky breath. “It’s been nine months, Li, and I still expect to wake up to messages from you. I feel mental sometimes, but you always did have a way of making me feel crazy. That’s okay though. Hm…what else…? Your parents and sisters are doing well. They miss you, of course, but they’re doing their best. I visit them a lot. Oh, and Nicola has a new boyfriend! Don’t worry, I checked him out for you. He’s great.

            ‘The boys are alright too. Niall has a girlfriend, a real, serious one, and Harry and Lou are starting to talk about kids once we go on break next year! Isn’t that crazy?! And I…well…”

            Zayn paused, letting out a tiny laugh-just a huff of air, really-before continuing.

            “I’ve actually been spending more time around the water, which doesn’t really make sense, I know. I still hate it. I hate it even more now, actually. But I can’t stay away. I think because you loved it so much. Actually, the boys thought I was just going to throw myself in one time and come join you. Honestly, I want to sometimes, but I won’t, of course, because this isn’t forever, Liam. We may not come from the same background or have the same beliefs, but I _know_ I’ll see you again. No force could be cruel enough to take you away from me forever. So until I finally get to see you again, I’ll go on. I’ll watch every single superhero movie over and over until I can quote the whole thing. I’ll dance horribly to all of our songs whenever they play. And I’ll keep loving you. Always.”

            With that being said, Zayn lay down on his back in the grass, face to the sky, and closed his eyes. For the time in nine long months, he didn’t feel alone.

**Author's Note:**

> So...that wasn't exactly as I had planned this to go, but I'm not strong enough to spend more time on it. Thank you for reading :)


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